Most people might see me as that “Inspiring”, “Motivational”, “Role Model” and “Compassionate” figure. While I personally believe that there is some truth to these adjectives, I also am quite upfront to the fact that I’m quite an unfilial daughter.
Parenting itself is hard enough. What more to raise someone who often has differing perspectives and a strong-headed mindset. As a strong believer of the quote that goes, “If there is a will, there is a way”, I always make sure that things work when I set my mind into something. Looking at myself from a third person point of view, I honestly think that I won’t be a good enough of a parent for myself too.
But with every decision made, comes with trade-offs. And which side of the decision do we care more for as individuals, as parents, as a child and as humans?
It eventually grows as a frustration for me, to feel controlled and tied to someone. As I speak to some of the friends in my vicinity, most also reflected similar traits and consensus about the idea of freedom from our parents. On the contrary, I do have groups of friends whose parents could afford to give them more leeway in the decisions that they make — which is honestly something that I wish I could have a little more in my teenage years. But as the saying goes, “the grass is always greener on the other side.” So which side is exactly the way to go for parents?
I once had a conversation with a friend about our troubles communicating with our parents — the idea of us being us, and that we’re not an extension pack of our parents.
We are humans who carry our own identity and our lives are a lifetime of opportunity for us to explore it and find meaning within it.
Our parents, who are also labelled as the baby boomers in the local context, were also once young people and teenagers. At least speaking for my parents, they’ve shared about how “when they were younger”, they grew up in a more conservative and traditional upbringing and didn’t have the privilege that we have today— No sweet drinks except for special occasions. No bubble tea. No mattresses. No air conditioners. No televisions. No financial capability in the household to afford for higher education for each of them, that majority of my aunts’ and their friends’ highest educational qualifications stopped at secondary school levels.
The digitalization that we have now are things that weren’t a norm back in their days. Jobs like Influencers, YouTubers, Digital Marketers and Film-Makers didn’t exist in the past either. But because in the world that we live in, with evolving technology advancements and increased social media engagements, the experiences that we have now are also drastically different from those of our parents.
Sure, there are some heritage and culture that still remain but the core of our intrinsic motivations is no longer so much about money and prestige.
It’s more about meaning, value and impact for most of us as Generation Zs and Millennials of 2021.
With the lack of resources and the tough labour hardships that our parents would have gone through decades ago, I’m sure that’s also why most of them who didn’t perform academically well in school, would want us to do better than them if we can. Going to well-known schools and graduate from local prestigious universities are part of their expectations for us as their children.
Suppose if we all have a lifespan of 80 years to live, what’s the point of devoting a quarter of our lives into studying again? Do we really need to study till that far? Is life just about studying and getting good grades?
I believe that we are who we are. And we should be responsible for our own decisions and consequences for ourselves.
Being a year away from adulthood, I’m starting to see many things that I wish to explore and do on my own, and for the world. But things like these are hard to communicate with my parents.
Especially when I can’t be understood in the choices that I make or values that I believe in, I tend to get frustrated and raise my voice in hopes to get my message across. Everyday, there will always be something to argue about, because of our constant disagreements and differing viewpoints.
And people argue because they can’t get into agreement.
For instance, finding a good paying job is something that most parents would wish their children to be capable of. Speaking for my parents at least. But instead, I personally place more importance about world poverty, homelessness, low income, social issues and many other things on a societal level.
The thing about wanting to make a change, I realized, comes from being able to recognize the gap and potential improvements on the issue and wanting to make it better. But that also comes with a lot of discomfort and vulnerabilities. It’s difficult.
But are people willing to be sandwiched and sacrifice for a change so that our future children can have what we want, or do we just suck it up so that our lives are easier?
And being able to carry these difficult conversations and confronting these issues whilst being able to consider the other parties’ feelings and interests is tough.
Like for instance, there was an occasion when I wanted to stayover at my friend’s house — because it was more convenient, but I have never had that experience before. I always envied my friends back in secondary school days where they could just chill at each other houses on alternate days after school. That was a privilege I never had. My mum was rather strict and made sure that I was home straight after school, except for days with extra-curricular activities. At the age of 19, I sat down with her on the sofa. Planned and practiced my script before confronting her about this stayover event that was going to take place. It may take little or no effort for some of my friends to ask their parents, but to even carry such a conversation was difficult enough for me.
“I have something to ask”. And I told her about my plans to stayover.
We both cried. While I could understand her intentions of disapproval, I also wondered if she ever spared a thought about what I feel and pain points having to commute hours and hours from where I live to work, school and other places.
In conversations like this, it always feels like someone has to be right and the other to be wrong. But what if both feelings are valid? What if all it takes is just for each party to take a step, to give in and be accepting?
I also have instances where my parents and siblings would call me fat. And I honestly feel hurt hearing that. I was hating myself for inheriting such traits from my parents, but also thought about why we aren’t loved for the way we are or for the things that we believe in.
I came across this concept of the Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development, about how some of our needs dominate the others at different stages of our lives. As a person who wears many hats, I sometimes question my identity at this ‘adolescence’ phase.
I’m a girl. I’m a daughter. I’m a sister. I’m a student. I’m an intern. I’m a co-founder. I’m a video producer…. And all these labels, come with expected responsibilities from society — That girls wear skirts. Daughters listen to their parents. Sisters do house chores. Students study. Intern works. Co-founders set directions. Video producers make videos.
And I recently realised that while we each carry many of these and other different titles and labels,
we are not defined by the work that we produce. But our values and beliefs are parts that define us, and our experiences are what shape us.
I may be seen as a daughter in my parents’ eyes, but holding onto many other roles in life, I often struggle to commit to that one role that is expected of me at home. It really takes both hands to clap, to understand mutually about each of our intrinsic values and priorities. Instead of arguing who’s right and who’s wrong when opinions are different, I would have hoped for my parents to be understanding enough to explore my options together with me. Even if what I have chosen is not ideal, I’d at least be able to hate myself and not anyone else.
We are all different. And no one can expect us to be like them, or demand us as they like. Even parents. I love my parents for who they are, for showering me with love through their acts of service, but not when they start to think that only their decisions are right for me.
All I’m hoping for as a 20 year old, is to have the freedom to make my own choices. Because I am not an extension of my parents.
