Turning a year older this week feels slightly different this year. Generally, I think, my life became a lot less exciting, less bold, less carefree. I feel more tired, and also have an increased realization that maybe I’m just not as good as I think I was — When the feeling of being not good enough kicks in.
“What the hell, Anna? You’re only 19 and you’re already doing so much!”
Really though, sometimes I wonder what’s the rush and hustle I have set for myself. But I’ve always view life as a learning process, a journey for change to become a better me each time. Being raised in an environment to only focus on improving weaknesses and to always be a better version than I was before, I think, might also be why I tend to neglect my own strengths and capabilities.
I’m not perfect. No one is.
I have my own shortcomings. And everyone has it too. But why is it that I often feel as if I’m not good enough?
Do you too?
Truthfully speaking, I’d always feel incompetent, afraid and demoralized whenever I see someone with the same strength and skillsets. It just comes to me naturally that “I’m not as good. I suck. I’m a nobody. I’m not that special.” And these have been some of the few things that come to my mind.
Most people I know, see me as “that hustler youngster who’s doing so much at 19yo.” But I often feel like a hypocrite hearing that.
I don’t actually know what I’m doing most of the time? And I don’t know everything.
“Am I really making an impact on society? How meaningful are my actions? What else can I do differently to help more people?”
And what made it worse was that, recently, I was told by a supervisor at work that I should shift my focus on growing my strengths instead of pursuing what I think interests me — which might not be exactly what I’m good at.
“Yeah, he’s right. Maybe I should just… give up?” — I thought.
The past few weeks have been extremely challenging to get by emotionally and physically for me. It was so bad that on every other day, getting out of bed or even saying “hi” to someone requires a lot more effort in doing so. I was quite overwhelmed by the tasks on my plate that I forgot to breathe in between. And here I am desperately panting to catch some air before the hustle starts again on Monday.
Figuratively, I didn’t want to get up. More like I thought I couldn’t or there isn’t a point anymore. But after sitting down with my mentor that day, I found my strength to stand up again.
“Doesn’t mean that if you’re not good at it, then you give up.” He affirmed.
He spoke about how in our current education system, we’ve been practising to strive for excellence in our tests/exams that it doesn’t allow room for failure. For instance, scoring a 60/100 allows one to move forward to the next test but doesn’t allow one to practise on retrying. And in our conversation, I also realised that life is indeed a process, not a final piece of work.
“You can choose to work on your strengths, which has nothing wrong with it. But you can also choose to work on what you’re not good at and learn to be better.”
I think that really hit me at the core of my heart.
I was challenged to think in bigger pictures of how our society works. And instead of viewing myself as a small insignificant pea, which is something that I have always felt like, looking at things in a macro lens got me more excited to think about possibilities and see hope. That while I don’t know much, I believe that I can still do something when I know enough.
There’s also this concept that my mentor once introduced me to:
Now that there’s this awareness that I don’t know a lot, it got me intrigued to find out more about why are people the way they are, why do some people face certain circumstances, how are our laws being implemented in Singapore, and how has that impacted on someone’s life…. So much so that these burning questions mobilized me to pick up some books about the systems/history/politics in Singapore, (not exactly my areas of interest but) I’m actually quite excited to start reading them.
I think this concept of Imposter Syndrome is quite a common phenomenon that many in our society face. But you know.. everyone is different.
Doesn’t mean that you’re not good at it, you give up.
It’s not like writing has been my forte either, but I still chose to write because I want to document my thoughts. I may not always articulate with the right choices of words, but I learn in that process.
So make your choice today.
Would you choose to grow in your comfort zones, or move out to your discomforts and grow from scratch?
I’d choose the latter one.
